Pilgrimage is the right word for my spiritual journey, as I am reminded of Pilgrim’s Progress, a book that has so many truth’s wrapped in it’s beautiful allegory. Like “Christian” I would say that my journey could be referenced as course in character development as every turn has led to painful realizations about my lack.
Lack. I realize this is a pessimistic word, but there is comfort in this despondency as it is forcing me to put my hope in God rather than in my strength and circumstance.
Strength and circumstance, it seems as though these have been my most suspicious allies, as my biggest strengths have also been underestimated weaknesses… nipping me when I least expect.
After graduating from The University of Tulsa, I found myself working in a para church ministry, Fellowship of Christian Athletes. In this ministry job, I eventually faced a ‘lack of faith’ that pulled me out full-time ministry and into business school. Where I quickly realized that my ‘little faith’ was a beacon on a hill, though faint, it attracted the most curious of Christian critics. During my two years of graduate work at the University of Oklahoma (where I would define myself as being “spiritually needy”) I had more “Jesus” conversations then my previous ten years had afforded me. Classmates would instigate conversations about Jesus, Religion, and Christianity almost daily, allowing me continuous interactions focused on Christ and his love for the worst of us.
During this season, I became aware of something that had previously missed while working in professional ministry… Christianity is not about having all the right answers, it is about being honest. It seemed that most of my Christian life, I had it mixed up, aspiring to be like those who held all the answers in their hands, dispensing their version of truth like silver coins to paupers.
I think my classmates loved to talk to me about issues of faith, spirituality, and Jesus because they saw a transparency in my pilgrimage… and in my humble state (working through my own spirituality), I would much rather be honest in my conversations about theology than right.
What about you?
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In short, I was didactic in any dialogue up to and through college. Most conversations would start with a defensive, “Well, the Bible says ___, so….” After going through the Institute most of my conversations shifted from preach-y to teach-y; when I get asked questions, I “know” the answer and try to exhaustively explain it. Now, I'm at a point where I realize how arrogant I must have been coming across (a 27-year-old-with-a-master's-know-it-all). The more I study and the more I dialogue the more I learn about how little I know. Granted, we were taught well at the Institute and I learned a LOT more than I ever had. But instead of proving my worth as a teacher of the Word, I'm asking more questions and helping people understand things where they lack and am seeking to understand where I lack. I still have the tendency to explain. But I'm learning how to explore.
Right on, man. When I'm honest and transparent about my struggles and my faith journey it seems to open up this awesome dialog between me and the rest of the world. People value authentic journeys. Keep it up.
Right on, man. When I'm honest and transparent about my struggles and my faith journey it seems to open up this awesome dialog between me and the rest of the world. People value authentic journeys. Keep it up.